Save Me, I'm Lost
by makeitmine
Summary: The first time Kurt runs into Blaine post-"Break Up", he wants answers. What he gets is much more than he expected. Warnings inside.


_I'm back! I wanted to write a quick little 4x04 reaction shot. 3500 words later, this is what came out. Title from "Show Me What I'm Looking For" by Carolina Liar._

_**HEAVY WARNINGS:**__ mentions of homophobia, hate crimes, depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm, underage drinking, and infidelity. This is seriously angsty as I got deep into Blaine's head (though it is from Kurt's POV). Also alludes to spoilers for upcoming episodes._

_**DISCLAIMER:**__ Not mine. Not Kurt, not Blaine, not Chris, not Darren._

* * *

Kurt was beyond exhausted by the time he, Rachel, and her fathers reached Lima. Despite NYADA beginning their Thanksgiving break after Tuesday classes, Isabelle refused to let him take anything other than a half day off to fly home for the holiday. He had to rush out of the office at 12:30, take the subway back to the apartment to quickly gather his things and his roommate, and hail a cab to get them to LaGuardia in order to fight with the other travelers. They got into Dayton at 8:45 and he was grateful the Berrys offered to drive him home rather than make him wait for Burt's 11 PM arrival from Washington.

The hour plus drive up north was a little awkward for Kurt, however. As much as he admired and looked up to both men, he was bothered by, of all things, Leroy's hair. Hair that was similar in texture to Blaine's right after he got out of the shower. And of course Hiram's fun-loving nature was also akin to the boy's. It hit him hard that if men could have children, these two would have one almost exactly like his…whatever they considered themselves to be at the moment.

He finally made it to his house and trudged inside, only to be fawned over by Carole. Finn came downstairs to greet Kurt after the Berrys' sedan turned off their street. The three of them sat in the living room for hours discussing everything non-Rachel related (out of consideration for Finn) about New York until Burt made it in. Kurt finally excused himself to run through a quick skin routine before he passed out.

Thanksgiving itself was full of food and family. His grandparents from both sides and Carole's father and sister arrived just after were so many side dishes and pies he almost didn't have room for the turkey he and Carole awoke at 6:45 to begin preparing. The lively conversation catching up with all the relatives fortunately steered clear of how his love life had turned out but was full of everyone inquiring about the best parts of his time in New York. Aunt Mary (as she quickly told Kurt to call her after the wedding, even if she was only Finn's aunt biologically) was especially interested in how Vogue was treating him since she adored the magazine. Night had fallen by the time Grandma and Grandpa Roberts made their way home. After scolding his father for attempting to load a plate full of leftover mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese, Kurt excused himself to get a little more rest than the night before so he would be fresh and ready for Black Friday.

Tina woke Kurt up with a phone call at 2:45 so he wouldn't be late picking her up. He once again abbreviated his skincare routine (and he really needed to find a spa the second he and Rachel returned home) so he could get her and meet with Mercedes and Quinn before the doors opened. The morning at the mall with the girls was even more of a blessing than the deals he found. He learned how happy Quinn was at Yale, especially with a pre-med major named Matt who knew about her past and refused to judge her on her actions. They weren't official yet, but she asked everyone for their opinions on a scarf she thought he would like. Mercedes said Los Angeles was just what she needed. She spent a lot of time in studios and was becoming fascinated with the behind the scenes aspects of recording. She hoped should could transfer to UCLA in the fall to look into music production. Kurt hugged both of them as they left for an early lunch and he and Tina drove towards the Lima Bean.

Just as he pulled into the parking lot Tina froze in the passenger seat. "You know, I don't really need anything to drink. Do you want to head to my house instead?" she blurted out.

Kurt chuckled. "Sorry, sweetie, if I'm going to make it to our movie date tonight, I need some caffeine in my system."

"No, really, Kurt, we don't need to come here."

"Tina, what's wrong?" he said glancing at her as he pulled into an empty space.

"Nothing's wrong."

"Of course it is. Why would you not want..." Kurt abruptly cut off when he saw the reason why she was apprehensive parked in the other aisle.

"Now do you trust me?" Tina pleaded.

Kurt shook his head. "No, it's fine. I need to face him at some point, right? Like you facing Mike?"

"That's different and you know it. Mike and I broke up amicably. You and Blaine..."

"Have no idea what we're doing right now," he interrupted. "He sent me flowers when he left but ever since I haven't heard a word from him."

Tina nodded sympathetically. "Blaine's not the same person he was before that week, Kurt," she said. "Or even before the election. He's become a shell of who he was. He's more withdrawn than when we all first met him at Rachel's party."

For as many nights as Kurt stayed up wondering the _why_ of what happened, Tina's sliver of information confused him even more. "Has he mentioned anything about...about the guy?" he whispered, wincing at the last word.

"No, we're pretty sure he doesn't go to McKinley."

Kurt sighed before finally removing the key from the ignition and opening his door. "I guess this is going to happen now."

Walking inside, he noticed Blaine seated alone in one corner of the coffeeshop with books and papers strewn all over the table. The lid had been removed from his cup, although that was a regular occurrence. And as disorganized as the table was, he looked even worse. He hadn't shaved in a few days, his hair was an ungelled disarray of curls, and he was dressed down in a Buckeyes sweatshirt and loose fitting track pants. If Kurt didn't know any better, he would have assumed Blaine had come straight from the gym without changing, but that didn't seem to be the case.

Before he knew it, his order of a nonfat mocha ended up including a soy latte and a pumpkin he picked the order up Tina nudged him towards where Blaine was hesitated until one word popped up in his mind and there was no way he could ignore it...not two years ago, and not now.

"You look like somebody who could use a recharge," he said as he set the coffee down on top of a paper.

Blaine looked up with a smile, which fell as soon as he saw who the kind soul bringing him caffeine was. "Kurt, what are you doing here?" he asked.

"Helping a friend in need. Mind if I sit down?"

Kurt watched as Blaine bit his lip before timidly shaking his head. "That's fine," he mumbled.

As he sat down, Kurt looked him over. On top of the things he noticed when he walked through the doors, Blaine was also paler than normal and had some bags developing under his eyes. He immediately wanted to bring up an eye cream that would reduce them, but thought it would be in poor taste.

Blaine was the one to finally break the awkward silence. "So how are you doing? How's New York?"

Kurt sipped his mocha before answering, letting the heat rest on his tongue before swallowing. "It's great. I'm...I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I pretty much feel at home there."

"That's actually exactly what I wanted to hear, Kurt. It's where you belong."

"What about you? How are things here?"

Blaine shrugged his shoulders. "They're alright," he answered curtly.

Kurt had known Blaine long enough that even if he looked his best right now he could see through the armor put up. "No, they aren't."

"Well, what do you want me to say? I ruined both of our lives at once and you seem to have gotten over me already and moved on with your life while I'm a trainwreck."

"Blaine, I could _never_ get over you," Kurt said. "When I said I pretty much feel at home it's because I know something's missing. And that something is you."

Blaine shook his head in disbelief. "How can you miss me? I cheated on you."

Kurt took one of Blaine's hands in his, re-memorizing the feel of his fingers. "I know that. Trust me, I want to hate you. I tried to hate you for it for so long. But...but you're still my first love. It's not that simple."

"So what, now you want to forgive me and go back to where we were?"

"I don't know," Kurt whispered. "I don't know if I can trust you right now."

Blaine sighed. "If I were you, I wouldn't trust me. Kurt, there's a lot that went into what I did..."

"I know. I ignored you while I was settling into the apartment and Vogue and you felt lonely."

"There's more to that. I'm seeing someone." Kurt's eyes widened before Blaine could continue on. "A psychiatrist, I mean. Not Eli."

Kurt felt the weight that slammed into his chest lift up briefly before falling again. "Is Eli..."

"Can I start at the beginning?" Blaine asked.

"Sure," Kurt nodded.

Blaine looked into Kurt's eyes for the first time since his arrival, his own amber orbs showing just glimmers of the confident star he was. "Back when I came out," he began, "I fell into a bit of a dark period. All of my friends abandoned me. My teachers ignored the bullying inflicted upon me. My parents had no idea how to handle me. Cooper had just moved out to LA so he was only able to help me over the phone, which wasn't much at all. I felt like nobody really wanted me around them and I began thinking of ways to make things better for everyone."

Kurt gasped. "You don't mean..."

"I do," Blaine replied. "I meant to tell you after Dave's attempt, but we were swamped with regionals and the wedding, and then Quinn's accident. Anyway, I didn't actually plan anything out. I did begin cutting, however, to release the hurt I felt inside."

"Blaine, why? Where?"

"Nobody loved me. And yes, I cut my arms. I guess that's why I feel more comfortable in my cardigans than anything else. But I did it the end of eighth grade and as I started high school, until the day I met Scott.

"Scott was the first gay person I had actually met and I began looking up to him. He had friends, he was accepted by his family, and he was...well, if you picture Jeremiah without the long hair, that's kind of how Scott looked." Kurt giggled at the thought, which made Blaine briefly smile before he continued.

"When the posters for the Sadie Hawkins dance went up, he felt hurt that nobody would be able to ask him to the dance. So I stepped up to the plate and did it."

"So then what happened? After the attack, I mean?" Kurt asked.

Blaine grimaced. "We lost contact after that," he said. "He wasn't hurt as badly as I was, but his parents decided he wasn't going to continue on and they signed him up for GED classes so he could graduate early. I know he wanted to go to OSU, but he may have left the state completely.

"I felt miserable and alone again while I was recovering. Dad began working longer hours so he wouldn't have to deal with my injuries and my...myself. On the rare occasion that we did speak he told me how outstanding Dalton would be for my academics, not even bothering to dwell on the zero tolerance policy. I almost didn't want to go there."

"I'm glad you did, Blaine."

"Trust me, that ended up being one of the best decisions. But it took a while. Once I got there and realized I had to repeat my freshman year, I was tempted to begin cutting again. I had spoken to a psychiatrist in the hospital but he declared that I had no lingering issues whatsoever. So I was alone again until someone overheard me singing in the hallway between classes. And then I had friends. Real, honest friends who looked past my sexuality. I knew I had to put on the act like everything was fine so they wouldn't see how broken I was.

Blaine tightened his grip in Kurt's hands. "Then you came along, Kurt, and...and I felt _alive_ for the first time in years. You saw through me and liked 'fucked-up Blaine' as much as 'showman Blaine'. And you helped put every one of my insecurities to rest."

Kurt admittedly had begun tearing up by that point. "Until I left for New York."

"No, not exactly," Blaine said. "It sort of began over the summer when my parents were asking me what my college plans were. Dad figured since NYADA had turned you down there was no longer a reason for me to follow you and I could make decisions on my future for me. And when I mentioned that Tisch was my top choice, he told me how disappointed he was in me, even though it was a hundred percent my decision.

"And then you left and you're right, everything spiraled from there. I should have been on top of the world...senior year, class president, unofficial captain of New Directions...but inside I began hurting again, because I wanted to share everything with you and couldn't. There was a night that you stayed late at the office and we hadn't spoken more than five minutes in a week. I needed to feel liked again so I found my fake ID and went to Scandals."

"But you weren't alone," Kurt interjected. "You had Tina, Artie, Sam, Brittany, Sugar, Joe...and you know you could go to Mr. Schue or Miss Pillsbury, or hell, even my dad and Carole if you needed someone to talk to."

"No I didn't, Kurt. They were your friends first. Sam did know a little about what I felt, but he couldn't help me out the same way you could."

"Okay, fine. You went to Scandals."

Blaine nodded. "And that's where I met Eli."

Kurt could feel his blood boiling up thinking about this Eli...this homewrecker. "So did you fuck him there or wait until you got to his place?" he asked.

"What?" Blaine was taken aback. "We just flirted there and had a few drinks. And I know, it's probably worse than what you and Chandler did since it was in person. I thought it would be just a one-time thing, getting it out of my system so I felt appreciated, until he found me on Facebook the next day. After a few conversations he did invite me over. As soon as I got to his apartment he pressed me up against his door and began making out with me and I froze up. I felt dirty, I felt sick, and I felt like the biggest piece of shit ever because I betrayed you. I betrayed _us_. I told him how much of a mistake it was and rushed back home."

"That was it?"

Blaine nodded. "I'm so, so sorry, Kurt. I shouldn't have done it in the first place, but I promise it didn't go farther than that. I signed online, deleted him as a friend, and booked my ticket to come see you because I couldn't tell you over the phone or Skype.

"Everything hurt the entire time I was in New York, and when I came home I just...felt lost. I knew something was wrong with me, worse than before, but I was too scared to pinpoint it. I couldn't eat, couldn't study. I failed a British Lit test and it didn't even faze me. When auditions for iGrease/i began, I couldn't even bother reading for Danny. I just didn't have it in me anymore.

"Then Monday evening we were having dinner and the subject of colleges came up again. I told my dad I had the application for NYU ready to send out and he just...he completely lost it. He said that since we were broken up I shouldn't even be iconsidering/i anything in New York, that I should go to a 'respectable university' like Northwestern, forget performing altogether, and take up business or law."

Kurt grabbed one of the napkins lying underneath the abandoned biscotti plate and dabbed at the tears rushing down Blaine's cheeks. "Thank you," he said hoarsely, trying to regain his composure.

"It's no problem," Kurt replied with a smile, one that showed he still did care. "What did you say to him?"

"I told him I couldn't be stuck in a profession that didn't give me the chance to shine and ran upstairs. I ran into my bathroom and grabbed the razor blade for the first time in years. It wasn't until I felt the metal on my skin that I realized what I could potentially be doing and exactly how much I needed help. Kurt, you saved me from doing something horrible."

He sat up straight. "What? How did I do that?"

"If I wound up in the hospital, or even worse..." Blaine trailed off, even though Kurt knew what he meant, "if I did that, it would have hurt you even more than I already had. My first actual thought was 'what would Kurt do?' I spent the rest of the night in bed crying and by morning I knew I needed to talk to someone. I skipped study hall and went straight to Miss Pillsbury's office to tell her everything. She referred me to Dr. Shane, who is supposed to be the best in western Ohio. My first appointment with her is on Tuesday."

Kurt sighed in relief. "Honey," he said before realizing it, but he refused to take the term of endearment back, "I'm so proud of you. I'm sorry I escalated this for you, but it seems to be the best decision."

Blaine genuinely smiled for the first time during their talk, with his eyes crinkling. "Thank you. I just wish I could have gotten in sooner. Yesterday was the first day I had to deal with Dad since the fight, and..."

"And you came straight here after you woke up this morning so you didn't have to face him again?"

"How did you guess?"

"Just an instinct," Kurt grinned.

Blaine squeezed his hands again. "So that leaves one question I need to ask..."

Kurt inhaled deeply before he answered. "I don't know, Blaine. After hearing everything you said I love you more than ever...but I am still hurting. And from the way it sounds, it might be best if you aren't in a relationship while you work things out."

He watched as Blaine slowly deflated. "You're probably right. I mean, you are, definitely with yourself, and I know you probably don't want to trust me."

"That too. But I want to be here for you while you heal. You need all the support you can get. Tina adores you, and even if it's awkward talking to her because you and Mike are close, she'll be an objective listener for you."

"So we're still friends?"

"We'll always be friends, Blaine. I don't know how many times I have to say this but there are no goodbyes between us, okay?"

"Okay."

Kurt took off several minutes later after a lasting hug for Blaine and a text from Tina saying she called her mom to pick her up. As heavy as the discussion was, he actually felt better now that he knew the truth.

The weeks and months that followed brought a new layer to Kurt and Blaine's relationship. When he returned for Christmas he saw a new, stronger Blaine who wasn't going to hold his feelings in. Everyone knew it was only a matter of time before they were together again. They kissed briefly on New Year's Eve, in the Changs' basement with old and new Glee club members around. But nothing affirmed their stance as a couple until Blaine took another surprise (to Kurt, as Rachel helped him set it up before spending the weekend with Brody) trip to New York on Valentine's Day, this time with an actual promise ring with the inscription _thank you for saving me_ on the inside. Finally one steamy June day, three weeks after graduation, the two of them made the trek from Lima to Bushwick with Blaine's entire belongings. As they collapsed into bed that night, lips, tongues, and limbs intertwined, Kurt whispered the words he'd been waiting for since he arrived the year before. "Welcome home."


End file.
